arli

ok buddies.  i know it has been forever since ive been on here and perhaps no one will even know who i am and i may not know who anyone else is either!

anyways- there are many new changes in my life!

not with the same guy anymore.  i have found an AMAZING man who is inspiring me to get back on buddyslim and lose weight….he doesnt realize he is inspiring me as much as he is but he surely is.

he has done great and lost 28 lbs so far on his journey and its only been two months so im starting to feel left out and need to get myself into gear and lose this weight once and for all!

today i had a Naked juice in berry blast flavor.  it was just delicious. then i went to eat with the church and we went to applebees and i had the asiago peppercorn steak with broccoli and roasted red tatos.  i also ordered a side salad but it was huge and i probably shouldnt have ordered it because it had bacon and cheese on it and was more calories than my steak, taters, and broccoli alone! goodness gracious.

oh well…today is my first day and im only just getting back into this…there are many more of these to come…so far i have had around 1000 cals…soon enough ill be weighing out my foods and figuring up the exact amount of calories for everything i eat and posting my totals for the day on here.

its good to be back buddies!

ok so…today i went the entire day without eating simply because i didnt feel hungry at all…but when i got off work ay 930 i ate a bag of steamed veggies, a pita bread tomato, mozzarella, and basil pizza i made, and some strawberries. it was the yummiest meal and it didnt make me feel gross afterwards…as a snack later im going to eat some pickle spears

and i have pomegranate juice getting slushy in the freezer for something sweet

at work tonight i made these fried bisuits…basically donuts covered in sugar….and someone put the salt in with the sugar…and so i had to remake them…all the while…the rest of my tables were needing refills…and my manager was getting angry with me…it was just bad!!! i wish we didnt have to make the appetizers that our customers order…it sets you back so badly grrr!

but i still left with some very decent tips so it turned out okay

im finally seeing that if i dont lose weight soon im going to have some super saggy skin when i do lose weight and i wont have as much energy…so now is the time

i cant keep doing this to myself…now that im not in a relationship its so much easier too

yay!

im going to the gym tomorrow and cant wait to get back on the elliptical machine for the first time in months…gonna drip sweat…cant wait!

im ready to look sexy for whoever im with in my future…i dont wanna feel like im not good enough because i dont love myself…and the only way to make myself feel good enough and love myself is by losing weight…i wanna look in the mirror and think heck yes! im sexy! i want confidence to the max! that i dont even know what to do with!

im watching say yes to the dress…its about big girls wanting to buy a wedding dress…and everyone one of them have low self sonfidence…just makes me feel more like i should lose weight…im so happy im in this mindset again finally!

this is my time here we go!

soo…tons of things have happened in my life since i last posted!

where to begin?

well the 4 year relationship that i was involved in last time i posted has come to an end.

i was sad about it…very depressed for about 3 weeks and then something just snapped.  this guy has broken up with me 4 times now…i never once broke up with him or really even thought about it.  i always knew what i had when i was with him.  we had a pretty great friendship and that to me is number one when it comes to a relationship.  but for him he has always doubted everything…always doubted his feelings about me and never really knew if he loved me or not…says he doesnt know what love is and he thinks about other women.

how am i supposed to feel about that when i know exactly how i feel about him?  i loved him 100% and would do anything for him and would even have married him.

anyways…when i snapped i realized that i cant keep doing this to myself.  why would i keep putting myself in a position where i could eventually get my heart broken again? i must move on…i must care about myself more than that because no one else is ever going to care about me in a way that i must care for myself.

sooo…i moved on…i began healing…i even met a few guys in the process.

heres something funny…as a big girl…i know many of you can relate to this…i have always been very shy to approach a guy and initiate a conversation and especially exchange phone numbers and such…well…theres this guy i had been eyeing that came into my coffee shop a few times…see i worked in a coffee shop in a mall…and he also worked in the mall so i saw him a few times a week…one time he visited we had a great conversation and he asked what my name was and he seemed sort of interested in me…although the fat girl inside me was saying how could this guy be interested in you when you dont even love yourself…you think you are disgusting when you look in the mirror…

anyways…the point is…when i snapped out of this love spell ive been under for 4 years i dolled myself up…marched into that mall and went straight up to him and said “hey there what are you doing to get your coffee fix nowadays”….i asked him that because our coffee shop went out of business about 2 weeks prior to me asking him this…. andi striked up a conversation…and was a little bit flirty and then he said you know you are super cute when youre not in your work clothes…and then he had to save himself and say not that you werent before but you know haha….and then we did a little more flirting and then he said i know this is bad but i forgot your name….and i said my name is arli and he got a pen and wrote my name on his arm with a smiley face hoooowwww cute!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then i said this “well arent you going to add my phone number to that!” AHAHAHAAHAHAH do you even know how badass i felt…this is the first time ive ever put myself out there like that ever!!!!!!!!!! and he goes sure if you want to give it to me…so then he calls me as soon as i leave to make sure it was my real number…and then weve been seeing each other since

now here is the thing…im guarding my heart with alllllllll the armor i can because i am scared to death of being hurt again….totally freaked out about it…so i told him straight up that i dont want to be in a relationship…he understands…he even just got out of a short one … but he broke up with her just because he didnt really have strong feelings for her or whatever..

anyways…i am trying my best not to fall for this guy….its weird because he has many traits that i said i would never want in a guy but at the same time has all the traits i do want in a guy…he smokes cigarettes and weed…and i told myself i will never be involved with someone who smokes weed just because i have seen the effects of drugs on my family and it sickens me…and cigarettes are just gross to me…but….he is a very passionate..sensitive…caring person…hes goofy but can be serious too..hes fun to be with…hes a little crazy just like me…hes not embarrassed to show affection around other people which i super adore because my ex was sooo shy about showing any feelings towards me especially around others…and i can say the guy knows his way around the bedroom ahahhaha

anyways…so now im starting to develop these feelings for this guy but im running away from them every time i start to feel something…im pushing him away from me when i do this…and i dont want to but then again i do need to really focus on myself and its always hard to do that when youre always thinking about someone else.

also…now my ex wants me back again…hes acting psychotic and i hate it…i just wish he could move on and be happy again….it worries me…i dpo still care for him but i just dont want to be in a relationship with him…i wouldnt mind us being friends but at the stage hes in right now thats impossible…he showed up at my house at like midnight one night to talk and he was a mess and crying and i just wanted to run away from him…i know ive felt that way before and so i dont wanna be mean but at the same time i cant let him think that we are going to be back together this time…i put my foot down…and im not letting him in ever again…my heart is repelling him because its tired of being shattered…no more!

okay!

so anyways…besides that…i have come to the conclusion that if i dont freaking start eating healthier at 23…almost 24 in november…then when will i? i just asked myself that question today…when the heck am i going to do this…tomorrow…hahah ya right….a  year from now?…whatever…when!?!?! is it going to be when ive put on another 100 pounds and would do anything in the world to be back to the weight i am right at this moment…or when im 40 and dont have the motivation anymore because im going to feel old and say eff it why should i even care anymore because im not a young lady anymore…no offense to the 40 year olds haha…thats not where im going with this…

the point is all i ever freaking do is say ill start tomorrow…ill eat healthy after this week…ill do this ill do that and how long have i been saying that? YEARS!…how much longer am i going to do that?! im going to get full whether i eat a pound of broccoli or a pound of pizza…but ones better for me…i still like both of them though so why do i keep choosing the damn pizza?! i know i can be successful at losing weight because ive done it before…i just have to wake the hell up!!!!!!!! who am i kidding?

i know that i deserve this…i have not gone through all this stuff in my life so that i can sit here and still hate myself every day… i look in the mirror and am like how did this happen? i know how it happened…i kept saying ill do it tomorrow….well today is finally tomorrow…im ready and i can do this…i need to focus on me for once…and now that im not in a relationship where i put my all into someone who doesnt even know he loves me im going to do this…for me!!!!!!!!! not him…not my mom…not any one but me! because i have to love me! i deserve everything ive ever wanted in this life of mine…and i only get this life once…i have to start living my life with the knowledge that if i dont start losing weight today i may never lose weight because tomorrow is not guaranteed to me…i need to start putting me first every single day of my life because no one else will…i need to take care of me! this is my life..my world…my body…so lets go!

yay buddies i just went to aldis and this is what i bought!

grapes, tomatoes, strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, cucumbers, broccoli, onions, green and red bell peppers, baby carrots, celery, olives, turkey bacon, water, lemons, almonds, rice snacks, and oranges…thats a TON of healthy food that i cant wait to put into my body….

lately ive been eating so terrible that the thought of fast food makes me want to vomit..ugh!

ive been working in the grill section at dairy queen the last week and to see all that meat dripping in grease every time im going to put a burger together for a customer makes me almost feel guilty….like im feeding this to a customer!!! these people are consuming all this grease!!! and guess what! im one of those people! ewwwwwwwwwwww…its just disgusting and if anyone is like addicted to eating fast food…go work in a fast food place and i guarantee you that will change your mind!

anyways…im usually in the ice cream section and sorry folks but making ice cream all day does not gross me out it actually makes me want it even more sadly! geesh! ive not been doin too shabby tho…im usually able to resist that temptation.

so i washed alllll the dirty dishes in the apartment and let me tell you….there were TONS!!!!!! it sucked! i hate doing dishes…but me and my boyfriend are slobs and we let the dishes build up for weeks before either of us try to wash em..gross..and then i washed a load of laundry at the laundromat…god i cant wait to get my own washer and dryer im so tired of taking my clothes over there…especially since i work alllll the time and only have 2 shirts, only one that fits me well….and i only have one pair of pants that fit me well…i have 2 others but on one the zipper doesnt zip up and the other shrank in the dryer…sooo…ya..sucks!

welp tonight the bachelorette comes on and i freaking cant wait!

i was wrong about roberto being the one with the girlfriend…it really was justin all along…the only thing that threw me off was in the previews it had a guy walking out and i knew justin had crutches and wouldnt be able to walk out….so thats why i didnt think it was him but then he got rid of his crutches after i made my prediction so ya…o well…now i can take roberto more seriously altho he still isnt exactly my fave…i still love frank and the previews for the next few episodes crushed me! my heart is broken for her…because i know that shes totally head over heels in love with frank…u can tell by the way she talks to him, looks, at him, and kisses him!

plus they just would be a good couple…theyre the only couple who make sense to me…ty is definitely not for her..and neither is anyone else…so ya…i think it will come down to roberto and frank in the end…im not totally convinced that frank actually leaves her yet…because if he did…they wouldnt have showed that it was him who left….the reason they showed it was him is because theres another surprise they r hiding from us and that surprise is hopefully that he comes back because he realizes he was dumb!

ok im done now..talk to yall later

so hey i havent written since the incident with my cat at the humane society….im still quite sad about losing him but i must move on…dwelling on the past will only darken my future.

so…i got promoted to assistant manager at dairy queen last week…and that means i have to work 6 days a week…yuck!!! but that i will get salary pay….i would be extremely happy about this if the salary pay was more than it is…however, if i were still getting paid hourly and was working an extra day….it would come out to only be 50 dollars less than what my salary pay is…yes…that 50 dollars every 2 weeks is nice and all…but its not worth having only one day off a week….

i think i might get bonuses though every once in awhile and if thats the case it might be a little more worth it but still probably not haha…

the biggest plus side to all of this is that i am now a salaried manager and i need that experience if restaurant management is what i really want to do forever…im still confused about it though…im still not sure if i want to be in the restaurant business or the office world…geesh…decisions i tell ya!

sooo the other day my boyfriend talked me into going to a yoga class with him…and so we went at 10 in the morning even though i wanted to stay asleep sooooo badly because i worked til 1230 the night before and was exhausted….anyways…im happpy i experienced it…if it werent for him i wouldnt have…

but anywho the class was INSANE compared to anything ive ever done…that woman sure was a stretchy bitch and damn my hamstrings are still tight from that class and we took that class last wednesday…its been almost a week…

anywho…it was nice to try something new and especially to do it with my boyfriend because he made me feel more comfortable in the classs.  we both are going to go to that class again if we get days off together on the days that they do yoga classes at our gym…yahoo!

welp im about to go get some healthy groceries from ALDI….if anyone has an ALDI where they live i highly recommend it for produce!

see ya lata!

ok…so…i had a cat…his name was kitty…i got him when he was a little kitten and i LOVED him so much!…my boyfriend liked to play with him and stuff but he would get annoyed with him easier…he hated the cat hair that he would shed all over the house…and he wasnt neutered so he also started to spray and pee all over the house….this also got me very annoyed but i was debating whether to give him up for adoption at the humane society or to just get him neutered and hope it fixed everything….but my boyfriend made a statement to me…when i was in the process of trying to figure this all out he said “i cant stand to go into my own home because of the smell” and at that moment i felt like i needed to choose between my boyfriend or my cat….and so i finallyd ecided to give him up for adoption at the humane society….well….after i did that i cried the entire day!!!!!!! my boyfriend felt so bad that he called the humane society the next morning to see if i could get him back…and i told him that getting him back wouldnt change how he felt about coming home and i said im not getting him back because i wanted him to be happy…he still kept saying i should just get him back…then the weekend came and i couldnt get in touch with the humane society….so i called them yesterday to see how he was doinga nd to see if i could get him back and they said yes i can and they said he was doing good…his tests came back negative for any life threatening diseases…but that he was just a bit grouchy since they did the tests on him…and so i said ok…i will get him tomorow…so today is tomoro…i call them to tell them that i am on my way to pick him up and they tell me that they humanely euthanized him

my heart broke into a thousand pieces…i pulled over into a parking lot and cried my eyes out…

i asked them if they got the right cat and they said yes…i couldnt believe it….i am never ever ever ever going to forgive myself for this…im broken hearted and i played a role in killing my own beloved cat

they told me on the phone that he was a sweetheart but that once they gave him tests he didnt wanna be handled….well DUH!!!!!!!!!! what cat would want to be taken to a shelter…locked up in a cage…handled by strangers…barked at by dogs…have needles and such stuck in em…yada yada…he was in there ONE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!! i have a totally different idea of the humane society now…because i called them yesterday and they just said hes a bit grouchy…and i even asked them then if i could come back and adopt him and they said yes…dont u think that if i expressed interest in getting my cat back that they should tell me that its likely that hes getting euthanized that VERY DAY!

why wouldnt they try and save his life when they knew i wanted him back?

i am beyond depressed right now…im numb…im sad…im guilty

i am an animal lover so for me to have any part in the killing of animal…it makes me feel so awful…especially since its my very own cat!

why did i do this

i know i cant take it back…and i know feeling this way will not help anything

i also know that i will eventually be okay…and be able to find another cat or dog to love…but i will never forget kitty

he was definitely the mostt loving cat i had…he would lay in my lap allllll the time….and he would play…and if you started singing to him he would roll over and have you pet his belly…

i miss him so much…but i cant ever see him or play with him or pet him or  talk to him ever again and i feel like shit

ok…so earlier today i went to the gym even though the thought of it made me cringe…i walked briskly for 20 minutes on the treadmill and i lifted a few weights and did some crunches on those big ball thing magigs…then i went to the store and got a sugar kiss melon which looks like a cantaloupe and i got an orange flesh honeydew…we will see how that is….and some strawberries….and of course it wouldnt be me if i didnt throw in something i shouldnt eat with all that good fruit….so i got some salt and vinegar chips…and then to top it all off went to arbys on the way home and got a chicken, bacon, swiss sandwich, a large pepsi, and a small curly fry…

anyways…

so last week on the bachelorette…i was yelling at my tv because i can not believe that she kept casey around…i dunno if any of yall are watching this show or not but i was embarrassed when casey was singing….so i can only imagine how she felt since it was happening TO HER! so how could she actually keep him around!?!? and then he gets a freaking tattoo and doesnt even show her!!!!!!!! thats because he knows how freaking creepy it is!!! im just mad that she kept him around…hes ridiculous!

anyways…if u have noticed on the previews for whats to come later in the season…someone has a girlfriend and i think i have a hunch who it is…i could be totally wrong but i think its roberto!

i dont feel like hes that into her like she is into him….but i could be totally off base…i dunno

i like chris l from cape cod…kirk…and my personal fave is frank!!!

ok well off to watch this weeks episode

ok…so here i am again…every time that i think things are going to change and im going to get better at this losing weight thing and its going to be wonderful times…it never happens…

im so gross…i feel disgusting about myself…i have to wear spanx every where i go in public now because im so embarrassed….if i dont wear them i feel my gut jiggling and it makes me want to vomit

i am so disgusted right now…

why cant i just freaking lose weight!!!!!!!!

im spending 112 dollars right now for me and my boyfriend to have a gym membership…the gym is right behind my new job…which is at dairy queen by the way…which is really hard to work at and not wanna eat ice cream every day…

its been a month since ive been to the gym…my boyfriend said today that he was going to the gym and it made me cringe…i hate going to the gym…but im paying 112 dollars for the damn membership for the boths of us….goodness gracious!

i think im going to try to go with him and just swim…i dunno yet…its my day off and the last thing i feel like doing is working out but i know that im spending all this money on it and its just a waste of my damn money…i dont have money to waste so its awful!

my debt was under control for awhile…and now im deep in it again…i dunno what my problem is…i cant stop eating and i cant stop spending money…i have serious problems that i like to pretend are non existent…but its time to face the facts!!!!! im a shopaholic obese 23 year old….who is going no where in life…who needs to go back to school but doesnt know what she wants to do with her life and im wasting time!

i just ate at taco bell…i had 2 gorditas and a crunchy taco…

and then i had a 32 oz pepsi….not even diet pepsi…and then i ate some cherry twizzler bites

ugh

i am so shocked!!! firstly because sam actually got sent home…and secondly that he is with stephanie!!!!! i cant believe it!! who knew? omg!!! that was insane! and yes i only just watched it because i dvr the biggest loser…because last night i was too busy stuffing my freakin face at cheeseburger in paradise..ugh…i had a buffalo burger, onion straws, fries, and key lime pie which had been taken from their freezer and heated in a microwave to thaw it out because it was warm on the outside and cold on the inside…i was like eww…but i still ate every bit of it…geesh…

By the way was koli not one hot tamale? dayum! he was a hot with his makeover…mmmhmmm…i always thought sam was a cutie pie but now im like no way its koli all the way haha…and sam still is a looker though and i love how he is so intense…hes an incredible person and i just loved this season of the biggest loser…i love everyone on it and i feel like its different from other biggest loser seasons…i feel like the people that are here are real down to earth loyal people with hearts of gold and they arent here to play a game…they actually are like family and i just think it makes it way more inspiring to see poeple help each other out instead of push each other down…yay

well after watching the biggest loser today i am again motivated big time…i hate when i feel this way and then dont actually channel my energy into the gym…i just think about how awesome its gonna be when i go and i never go and then i lose the feeling…im so tired of it…and its like i cant even see my goal in my future…i know that many people tell you that you need to invision your goal…what size clothing will you be wearing?…how will you feel about yourself..? what will your friends and family think…? yada yada yada….

and i just cant seem to wrap my mind around that….im tempted to go buy a really hot outfit that is totally not my size and look at it every day and think to myself if i want to wear that then i will work my ass off every day!

i dunno what to doat this point…

last time that i got so motivated and was really really strict and doing it i had gone to the doc to get a papsmear and renew my birth control and she said i was getting close to having high blood pressure plus i was in the 270s….and i knew that i had to come back in 3 months and have a check up before i got more birth control pills…and so i worked oh so hard and got down to the 250s just in 3 months…and then right after that…once i reached that goal to lose some weight before i went back…there i am again giving up…my blood pressure even lowered….it was great…and i sabotaged myself

im so sick of writing the same old stories over and over again

i want to feel amazing and i want to have energy and i want to fit into a size 10 or lower and i want to feel sexy and confident and wear a freaking sleeveless shirt and shorts and EVERYTHING….i want it all and i am just too lazy to work on it

i saw a pic of a girl who i used to best friends with in elementary school and she had a baby and she gained a lot of weight…and she used to be who i looked up to..i used to wanna be just like her…she was skinny and beautiful and her personality was amazing and outgoing and she had sooo much confidence…and when i saw this picture of her i almost felt happy that she had gained weight….i was like…i guess its okay for me to be this way because even people who i look up to are this way now..its alright….WHAT THE HELL!!!! who does that…who is happy about someone else having to feel this way besides me….anytime i see someone who used to be skinny gain weight im like haha now you know ho it feels to be me and i think the reason i feel that way is because i feel like those people made me feel like i wasnt good enough…even though they never did anything to me or anything i felt like thats what they were thinking about me so when i see them gain weight i laugh….but really its not that way at all…these people never made fun of me or did anything for me to laugh at them…im just projecting my feelings onto them…

anyways…guess what…this girl just posted some new pics to her facebook and she has lost 45 lbs…has 30 more to go and is looking amazing!!!!! it inspired me…i am a very competitive person and i just want to show her that shes not the only one who can do it!!!! and then another girl posted her pics of how much she weighs right now and she wants to lose weight and shes working really hard and has even taken up hula hooping as an exercise….and this girl works and has a child to take care of…what the hell do i have to do…right now i just work part time and the rest of the time i spend money on stuff i cant afford…i eat too much…and i lay on a couch and watch television or surf the net…im ridiculous and wasting my freaking time..why is it i can get so mad at other poeple for doing things but why cant i just get really mad at myself and go work out and stop wasting my freaking time being a miserable fat blob!

its not even that i dont have support either…my whole entire family loses weight all the time and gains it all back…and i mean this is a lot of weight…they join weight watchers and can lose over 100 pounds and in less than a year can gain it all back…and right now they just joined weight watchers again and are ready to start losing weight…my cousin leah who i am very close to is also starting a diet and my boyfriend LOVES to work out…i have a support system…and yet i suck at life

well im done typing now

soo…its been a bit since my last post.  I weighed in today at 263…so here we go again trying again…

all i can say for myself is im not completely giving up but thats not much to say.

let me first start by telling you buddies that i got a job offer from dairy queen grill and chill…i have never been to a dairy queen grill and chill just the dairy queen braziers….so i dunno if any of you buddies have ever been there or not…im not sure what the difference between the two are but i know theres supposed to be a difference…

anywho it is being built right now and opening sometimes in june.  I was offered a full time position as a shift leader at 9 bucks an hour which for me is wonderful because i was working at one job at 8.25 an hour and the other job at 8.15 an hour and i was a shift leader at those places as well…im very excited to start training and have a fresh start somewhere!!!

and so that has relieved much of my stress but i have not heard from the owner yet to find out when i am to start training…so its kinda making me nervous…i probably have nothing to worry about but ya…anyways.

ok…so today i have had a foot long ham sub with no cheese on honey oat bread and lettuce, onion, green pepper, banana pepper, and olives and just vinegar…no oil…

and then….i had a few white chocolate macadamia nut cookies…i should have just had one but of course…i overdid it…

something thats becoming all too common lately

im a bit down on stuff right now…i cant seem to find inspiration and motivation…it sucks

but im trying my best

i havent been to the gym for 2 weeks now and im paying 112 bucks for it…for me and my boyfriend both to have a gym membership…

it sucks that im wasting so much money when i dont have any to waste to begin with…but it is what it is…

i know i will get outta this funk and will eventually be back on track…i just hope its soon because its getting me way down!

so i cant wait to see the biggest loser tomorow…its makeover week yahoo!!!

im going out to eat with my ex-step-sis tomorow night at cheeseburger in paradise…i know i know…bad choice but shes feeling down and it was her choice…i will try and get a salad even though they have some scrumptious burgers…yikes!

welp buddies ill talk to yall later…hopefully soon!